Giving Someone Everything
I gave someone everything and they left me with nothing.
At least I felt like I had nothing.
I used all my bricks, stones, cement – everything that I had, to build that person up. To help stabilise them. To support them. To be everything I could be for them. This may be a romantic notion. But one morning you wake up and you realise that you are in a state of free fall. That there is nothing holding you up. That you are existing right now as a structure, the structure holding them up. And maybe at first that was okay because you could hold that weight. But every structure has a breaking point. When too much weight is added it begins to wear away, stone by stone. You have a choice in that moment. Either you allow yourself to be crushed by all the weight that has been slowly stacked against you, or you can break free from the weight and save what you have left of yourself.
This is difficult. Because for the last x amount of years you have revolved your life around being this for that someone. You know that without you they would crumble, their world would crumble, even if it were just for a moment, and that potential of breaking someone, it scares you. It scared me. But this structure you have built for them, that was originally built from what you thought was love, is now built from guilt and from fear.
Fear that you’re no longer enough for them. Fear that you don’t know who you are outside of this structure you have formed yourself to be. Fear that you will hurt them and not forgive yourself. But what does fear show you? It shows you that you are human. It shows you that mistakes can be made but it will build you, it will not break you. As people we are so busy trying to be something for someone else, trying to give our minds and bodies to someone else, that we don’t for a moment belong to ourselves. Who was there for us from the beginning and will be there for us in the end? Look in the mirror. That person is looking back at you. There is only one person who can promise you always. Why aren’t you looking after that person? Why haven’t I been?
The truth is, you can’t truly love someone in a healthy and proactive way until you are content with yourself. Or at the very least, you need to be at a place where you know your value. If you can’t value yourself how are others going to value you? If you don’t know your own value how are you going to stop people from mistreating you, or how will you help people love you and value you in the way that is best for you?
Think about the person that is closest to you, who you care the most about, spend the most time with. Maybe it’s your best friend, your Mum, Grandad, your dog. How do you treat this person? How do you value them? I’m sure that you make time for this person. That you say supportive things when they are having a tough time. You probably put them before yourself. I can almost guarantee that you do. I have always placed more value on others than on myself. For me, it is easier to feel pain than to see someone else’s. But think of it this way. The person that is closest to you is actually yourself. The person who you spend the most time with is you. But you aren’t giving yourself the time of day, not really. Maybe you give yourself a few minutes when you shower in the morning or an hour here and there when you need to emotionally purge and so you find Netflix’s trashiest romantic comedy.
Take that structure that has been swept away from you and rebuild it. Spend time with yourself. Explore yourself. Your interests, passions, your vulnerabilities. Look through the cracks of the walls that you built long ago if you can’t break them down yet. Value you. Everything else will follow.
The light falls to darkness everyday,
but it always rises,
and so will you