Unexpectedly, I spent my week attending these talks. Whilst I was anticipating certain answers, I think I’ve ended up with more questions than I began with. My head hurts from the constant thinking. I think the hardest part of attending the talks was the lack of clear answers, because really, there aren’t any. I understand that this is a part of what having faith means, but it doesn’t quench my desire for answers.
I want to start out by saying that I think the talks were given well, the speakers were well informed and confident in their beliefs. Personally, I wasn’t too enthusiastic about asking questions because I have the feeling that I won’t like the answers they give. A Christian friend of mine admitted to me that whenever anyone asks her questions the first and last issue is always sexuality. I would argue that this is my biggest issue with the God that Christian’s believe in.
Honestly, I don’t know what to think. I don’t know how I feel about all the information I’ve processed over the last week.
When talking to the member of the Church he proposed two different messages in the Gospel. Firstly, to take your time in contemplating whether to believe in Christ. But that there is also a sense of urgency in believing as it allows us access into a better life after death.
Needless to say I felt a heavy pressure in that conversation, not from the person I was talking to but from the ideas he was presenting to me.
This pressure that I need to save myself from some sort of eternal tragedy. I sat there feeling like if they knew about me, if they knew I rejected the body that God gave me, rejected his creation of male and female, that they would preach of my sins. Probably a complete overdramatisation, but it’s what I felt sat there in that moment.
A further message that came across was that all humans are born with evil inside them due to the Fall, and that we must follow Christ to combat that evil and be good people. I’ve spent years battling with the feeling that there was something wrong with me, do I really want to follow a God who’s followers believe they are inherently evil? To follow Christ I would have to denounce who I am, the years of struggle I’ve experienced to finally feel like who I truly am would mean nothing.
What I can’t wrap my head around is this. The Christian’s I’ve met would tell gay people to resist their same-sex feelings and live a life with platonic relationships, they would tell transgender people to respect the body that God has given them and to seek treatment for mental health. Really, what they are asking is for these people to live a lie. I’m not prepared to do that after a battle to figure out the truth about myself.
But like I said, I have questions that have been left unanswered. I don’t want to dismiss Christianity, or God for that matter. I will think further, read more, listen to others. But I won’t give up who I am, because if I decide to believe in a God, it will be one I believe accepts me for who I truly am.