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Late Night Thoughts

Being able to write is liberating, even if no one reads the words, that’s not what matters. What matters is I declutter everything that I have trouble with, I think therapists call that decompartmentalization. The truth is, I never write entirely what I’m thinking or what I feel. I find it hard, to be honest with myself, let alone everyone else. I wouldn’t say I’m lying, I just choose to ignore things. Thoughts, memories, what I see in the mirror sometimes.

Problems seem to pile up, inward problems. They scatter around my head and it’s hard to drown it out. I try music, exercise, my job – nothing seems to work, not in the long run anyway. I wish I was brave enough to write down everything I think and feel, I’m going to try, not in this space. I think if I’m going to start writing down everything then it needs just to be for my eyes, at least, for now.

One thing I struggle with, that I think about a lot, is my choice to be ‘stealth’, to keep my transition a secret. When I use my brain, that makes a lot of sense. I moved over 100 miles away from my home so I could have a fresh start, away from everyone who knew the old me. I didn’t want anyone here to know what came before Nathan, to them, I am what I am. That makes sense, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t acknowledging to people I am transgender basically be telling them what’s in my trousers? It’s not exactly an appropriate topic of conversation. Yet, my heart, it tells me that I’m keeping a secret, that I’m not being true to myself, that I am ashamed of who I am. Which is true, I do feel ashamed, I feel shame when I see how I look without my clothes, that I don’t match up to who I truly am.

People started to say things about me in my seminars, one of my ‘friends’ told me that people kept asking her if I was transgender. That she thought so too. I didn’t know what to do, I just laughed it off, and joked “Well I’m not going to be offended because then that’s derogative to transgender people and I’m a supporter.” But then she started to make jokes, she kept calling me transgender, saying “which bathroom do you use?” I laughed, I don’t know why I laughed, what she was saying was wrong. She said before that she had once thought she had meant to be a boy but it was a phase, and that she was bisexual, so why was she making these jokes? More importantly, why was I letting her make them, why was I laughing too?

When she commented on my profile picture of my girlfriend and me, “what a cute pair of lesbians” I didn’t know what to do. We were away in London, I just wanted to have a nice time, so I deleted the comment and I didn’t tell my girlfriend. In the beginning, people always would call us lesbians, and that label didn’t apply to us, it caused a lot of problems with my identity issues, and my girlfriends, because we were not that label, but everyone thought it was a funny joke to make.

Like the idiot I am, when the girl mentioned I had deleted the comment I just laughed it off. Because I am a coward. What I wanted to say was that I am transgender, and what she said was offensive, insensitive, and even if I wasn’t, she still shouldn’t say things like that. But I’m scared because I know then everyone would find out, and even though we live in a more open society, other guys scare me. Every time I go into the guy’s toilets and there is a gap between the stall wall and the ceiling I’m scared someone is going to look over and see that I have a prosthetic, that they’ll hurt me.

Honestly, I struggle every day. Somedays it is easier, other days, it is the worst I’ve felt so far. It’s hard to look at the positives when it feels as if more negatives are delivered through my front door every time I wake up. I always seem to be kicked when I am down – like the world doesn’t want me to get up, but I keep going, what else is there to do?

I might be sat here right now, regretting the things I didn’t say, or the things that I have said. Kicking myself over how many times I’ve shut myself in the bathroom crying, or I’ve yelled at my girlfriend out of frustration, how jealous I have become of other guys – but I’m still going. I’m not going to stop until I get where I want to be, soon, I will look in the mirror and not see regrets, but be proud of who’s looking back at me.

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7 Comments »

  1. People are reading your thoughts and it’s good to hear the honesty. While you are stealth, on here you aren’t, so part of you is doing what it is you feel all of you should be doing. You know one reason it is “easy” to be stealth? Because it is alot of information, and it is private and vulnerable information. Consider that many people all around you are carrying stealth information. People don’t introduce, “Hi I am Ben, I’m scared of germs, and I was shot in the shoulder by my best friend on accident when we were 13, what’s your name?” “I’m Beth I was raped when I was 14 at my mom’s funeral.” Terrible examples, but you know what I mean? We all have vulnerable pieces that make us very different from one another and it takes time to integrate, to grow it together. Right now you don’t feel a safe enough distance from your past to be sharing it with the people around you. You are protecting your transgender identity, and from what it sounds like, you are working towards sharing that information on your own terms. You are building yourself up to be ready. there is irony in your story, that fact that people are seeing this in you and you want so bad to deny it. That is interesting. That was a good post to deeply explore that paradox.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I couldn’t have said it better myself. That is exactly how I feel. Holding onto that “one day” gets harder every hour that goes by and so few people understand. But I can relate to everything you said there and in a way (though it’s sad others feel like this too) I felt comfort. Comfort that I’m not alone, that we’re not alone. Keep up your fight, you’re doing amazing! Message me if you need to talk. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s hard to make peace with people’s occupotty, isn’t it? I wish transition had a face… We should create one… All people don’t know where to shit, except us! Ha, ha, ha! Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I love the honesty in this post. It is so difficult to come to terms with other people’s prejudices without revealing secrets, especially when you are still dealing with your own lack of confidence/shame/doubt/what-have-you. I am not convinced that any transgender person has been able to fully overcome that inner turmoil, and it makes insensitivity from others especially burdensome. I hope that you are able to come to a place where you can be secure in letting your friends know that their comments are hurtful and disrespectful, without having to out yourself to the entire world or even to a single person. I know I am still trying to reach that place.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I did manage to reach a solution, just letting them know that I wanted them to stop, otherwise gossip would start to spread about me and I didn’t want that. But since another girl asked me if I was transgender, someone I considered a friend, and even after telling her I was ‘just a guy’ she decided to ask a transgender friend of mine if I was actually transgender. It hurt what she was saying, but it taught me something – people might always ask questions about me, but instead of letting them provoke negative feelings, I just try and focus on what I think of myself, and how I can improve myself further and become even more who I am supposed to be. I hope that you too can come to some sort of peace with how you want to express your identity without having to draw the transgender card out of the deck every time, I think people need to learn that being transgender isn’t the most interesting thing about us

      Liked by 1 person

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