Can’t Shake This
No matter what I do I can’t seem to shake this, this feeling of nothingness. I feel like nothing, like I’m just existing. I sit in work imagining what it would be like to be born male, I sit in lectures wondering why I couldn’t have been born a different way. I’ve tried the usual tricks but they aren’t seeming to work.
Eating healthy, making a meal plan, walking everywhere instead of taking the bus. Trying to appreciate what I have, I know that I have things a lot easier than others. I just feel sad, sad is the easiest way to put it.
Sometimes I dream of being born Nathan, how it would have felt. How tall I would have been, the sports I would have been able to play at school, what using a urinal feels like. But then I wake up, and for a second I think it’s real but then I realise that it’s not, and I trudge through the rest of the day wondering why can we not just be born the way we want to be.
I try hard, but lately it just hasn’t been good enough. I need to try harder, but I have no idea where to pull that strength from.