I try to write positive posts, try to focus on the good things. I don’t want sympathy, I write here because I have to. Although I haven’t had that feeling in a while, I do now. Lately I’ve been struggling with, well, myself I guess. Hating myself seems to be a full time job at the moment, and it’s hard to find room for anything else. I have an 8 hour shift ahead of me in work today and I know I’ll get through it, but I feel like it’s going to be a tough one.
It would be perfect if I could just lock myself in my room today, focusing on the reading for next weeks lectures, I feel like that’s what I need right now. But I know that having a job works me through it, I know that I have to get over whatever it is that I’m feeling. I know that transitioning is a grueling process, one that I used to shrug off when people told me that they were proud of how far I’d come, but now I’m starting to feel it, the weight of it all. Especially these last few days.
I’m trying to be there for my girlfriend, who’s having a hard time here, I’m trying my best to keep this away from her. I feel lost, like in limbo almost, the space between. I know that I’ve done all I can for my transition at the moment, I’m on the waiting list for hormones. Now I just have to wait… and wait. It seems like becoming myself is an eternity of waiting, that never ends.
My girlfriend says to exercise, that it always makes me feel better, and I know that she’s right. Doing that, when I feel like this, is a lot easier said than done. Right now every part of me is telling me to curl into a ball, watch films all day that take me out of my own life and put me in someone else’s, ignore work, ignore everyone outside this room. I know I can’t do that, that would be giving up, even if it’s just for the day.
When I look back I see how far I’ve come, but it feels like I have 1000 miles to go.