Stuck On Pause
My transition has slowed to a pause, it feels like a waiting game that never seems to end.
I approached my GP with a document stating she could prescribe testosterone if she was confident according to the NHS, she said that it was theoretical not practical. That was four weeks ago now, she promised to ring with another option, a low dosage maybe. I haven’t heard. I’ll probably be in university before I get an appointment with Dr Jamil, meaning I’ll have to travel from Southampton back home during term time.
Transitioning on the NHS seems to me like they’re trying to put a broken arm in a bandage rather than a cast. The process is long, unbearable at times. I don’t know how I’ve made it this far but I know I’m starting to get restless, starting to find things barely manageable. All I know is, if one more customer in work calls me a lady despite that fact that I always pass in public (meaning my high pitch voice and lack of facial hair gives me away) I might lose it all together. I’m frustrated because I know it’s within my reach but so far away, testosterone would solve so many problems. I feel like a child stuck waiting for puberty to happen, years behind everyone else. I’m scared that the prime part of my life will be over by the time I truly feel like a man.
I have money saved, I know I could use it for an appointment with the GIC, but the cost for the first appointment is nearing £300, and I can’t justify spending that on myself despite knowing that it would help me tremendously.
Sometimes I look at those who were born the correct gender and I have surges of jealously, that they have had an easier road and don’t appreciate it. I know I sound envious, unappreciative for what I have. I know some transgender people have it a lot harder than me, have had to wait longer or don’t have the support network I do.
All I know is, if the NHS doesn’t push play on my transition soon I’m going to have to do it myself.