Dysphoria. An umbrella word that covers a lot of feelings. Anxiety, restlessness, anger, sadness. I experience this regularly, some days I deal with it better than others. I go through stages, once my chest made me dysphoric, then my voice, then my height… the list goes on. Other men walk past me and I feel small in comparison, and I don’t mean height wise, I’m pretty average. I just can’t stop this heartbreaking feeling that they have someone more than I do.
What I’m most dysphoric about – feeling like I’m not enough for her. Even though I know that no one else could love her like I do, miss her like I do, I would do anything for her. Sometimes I can’t help the numbing feeling that she would be better off without me somehow, happier with an actual guy. Certain people wouldn’t have an issue with her relationship, her future would be more concrete – with the ease of having children easily and a simple life.
I know other guys have liked her and I get so mad because I become so insecure that they’re better than me. I’m scared that I cause complications, arguments, because I get so upset, so wound up, angry, and she looks after me every time, but I can’t imagine how hard it is to see me like that, how confusing it it.
The reason I’m paranoid is because if I suddenly woke up like a born male, I would be the most confident, happiest guy on this earth, with her and my true self I would have everything. So I can’t understand how she’s never thought of that option, why she’s never wondered, I’m scared she doesn’t let herself.