Since my transition I have avoided looking at pictures that are old, as in a few years prior, my teenage years. Looking at them is hard because it feels like I was a completely different person then and I guess I feel as if I have lost someone. I had never really considered that before, I knew my family and close friends were in a sense mourning the loss of their daughter, sister, best friend; I know that my dad still is and he will for a while. But I never thought that I myself, would have to mourn the loss of the person I used to be, who wasn’t really me.
It’s weird how this occured to me. I was watching the Vampire Diaries with my girlfriend, the characters had gone through experiences that had changed them as a person and so they held funerals for their oldselves. I’m not planning on having a memorial or anything, but there have been times where transitioning has been really difficult because I was attached to the old me, obviously that person isn’t gone, that person is me, but I am significantly different, in fact, the more am finally becoming myself, the less similarities I find.
I am Nathan, but I feel a guilt for taking the old me away from people, my dad asked me at least five times within the space of ten minutes if I sure I wasn’t just a butch lesbian, because he could deal with that, that way he would still have his little girl. And I want to shout at him, shout that she’s gone, dead, not coming back. Beg him to take old pictures of me down, because she isn’t here anymore, and I can’t explain that to him because I can barely explain it to myself.
Looking at old pictures today made me realise that Nathan has always existed, I was just waiting for the right moment to become myself. Not all of us are born lucky. We have to fight to become who we are; against labels, prejudice, people… ourselves.
It is worth the fight.