I haven’t written in a while, and I regret it, not for those who read my blog because I know there are a thousand other bloggers out there that can be read, but instead for myself. Blogging allowed me to decompartmentalise, to structure all these feelings and struggles that come with transitioning. The reason is, I became scared, I was becoming a label that I refused to acknowledge, and I realise now, that I was in a form of denial.
Every second of every day I convinced myself I was a cisgender man. Then every time I took my shirt off or was misgendered in public, I would break down. Either disappearing to a bathroom so I could pull myself together, or weighing on those around me like a person in need of a crutch. I realise now that I must accept that I am a transgender man, that I will have to work out to sculpt my chest, save money vigilantly for surgeries or to have children. For a long time anger built up inside me due to my jealousy of those who had been born their true gender. Jealous of a 6 foot stature, a beard or a size 10 shoe. I have to begin accepting who I am, my 5 foot 8 stature, size 7 shoe – this is me and it will take a while, but eventually I believe I will accept myself.
Dysphoria is hard, it comes in different forms, hating my unbroken voice, my lack of muscle definition or becoming uncomfortable binding. These things can be beaten, I can beat them. A voice can be trained, muscles can be defined and my chest will flatten if I dedicate myself.
I may have left for a while, but I will always come back stronger. I faced denial, but now I will learn to be proud, proud of the struggle and proud of myself.