You Never Know What You’re Gonna Get

I wanted to try and put a positive spin on my low mood, so I came here. A place where I can feel like me 100%, no worries about putting on a hard exterior – trying not to get upset about what some people see are silly, irrational things to be upset about.

Lately, it feels as if my life has turned into some kind of monster rollarcoaster, the kind that creaks too much and you’re expecting is going to give way at any second. Yet the ride stays strong and you actually get off at the end, despite your surprise.

Metaphorically, that is how I see my life lately. One minute I can be on a complete high and the next, I’m as low as you can go. If I had to pinpoint what was making me feel like this, I probably couldn’t, that’s the hardest part – not knowing why I’m feeling like this.

I guess I’m okay, especially when I think of things on a scale – I have felt much worse in the past, so I’m trying to appreciate these moments of neither happy nor sad, because they’re better than the latter.

These past couple of months, my friendship circle has shrunk to a bare minimum and I don’t know what I’ve done – I try to be nice, to go out of my way for people but it just doesn’t seem to do me any favors. Today was the first day back after the Easter break, I felt like I was in a totally different universe to everyone around me. Maybe I’ve been wrapping myself up in a safety blanket lately or something – a shell, a bubble. Normally, I’m an outgoing person, to the point sometimes where I probably become slightly obnoxious. I don’t like that side of myself, I prefer to be quieter, to think more, to be cerebral as my English teacher says.

I know I should appreciate the support I’ve been given with my transition, I do, I’ve been feeling this isolation, over Easter break it went away because it wasn’t in my face like it is when I’m in school.

On the most part, I think I do it to myself – corner myself off from people maybe. It helps me concentrate better, I think more, I feel more like me than when I’m loud and talking to everyone and anyone.

4 more months and I’ll be in a new place where people only know Nathan, I have a feeling it’s going to be really good for me there. For me and Tamara, right now it’s just me and her in this bubble and as much as it’s comfortable, I don’t want that for her. I want her to have this group of girl friends like you see in the films, someone that she can complain to about me, I know she probably needs to.  I want to open up too, to more people, I know University is going to give me that, I guess that’s why school seems so dull lately, because I know what’s waiting for me out there.

There’s so much more than here, I just want to get there.



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