If I had to choose just one word to describe how I feel right now that would be it.
Having no real value or use – at least that’s what Google says, to me it means so much more.
It reminds me that I will never be enough, for anyone, for myself.
Everyday is a challenge but tonight takes the cake – there is a pitfall in my chest that is about to explode.
I nearly posted this two nights ago – it is probably the lowest I have ever felt. Probably because lately I am actually becoming quite confident and comfortable with who I am, with what I see in the mirror.
What I wrote automatically saved as a draft and reading back on it I realise that I still have a lot of work to do; on myself and with the people I care about.
It’s almost as if I lose myself completely, maybe that is common for people transitioning – trying to discover yourself is hard, it’s probably one of the hardest things that I have ever experienced and I wouldn’t call my life easy.
Despite knowing that I will never be 100% what I want to be, I always wish for it. When I fall asleep, when I dream, I am Nathan physically from the very beginning and then I wake up and realise that it was imaginary. I know I have to accept me, I can’t expect everyone else to and not do it myself.
So I need some more steps; guidelines to try and help me become at least 99% of the person that I want to be.
- Run 4km 3/4 times a week & Box 3 times a week.
- Balance my diet.
- Pay for a new driving license with my new name.
- Study my ass off to get required grades for University.
- Get into University.
Ask my girlfriend if she’ll marry my sorry ass. (Few more years for that one)
These are my near future goals, it can’t be that hard right?
A few lyrics that keep me going…
There’s a place I go to,
Where no one knows me,
It’s not lonely,
It’s a necessary thing.
It’s a place I made up,
Find out what I’m made of,
The nights I’ve stayed up,
Counting stars and fighting sleep.
Matt Simons – Catch & Release