When I really think about it, when I’m at my lowest I have 0 body confidence, despite being a relatively cheeky chap when dressed smart casual.
I think I’m pretty lucky when considering the natural features I’ve been given genetically – I’m 5ft8, which isn’t too small for a guy; I’ve always been broad and generally larger amongst my peers; I’m dark, meaning that growing hair was quite easy when I began my transition.
I know all this, yet when I sit in the bath, no matter how many bubbles cover me, I hate what I see. Sometimes I loathe myself so much that when I push myself to work out I just end up crying, resulting in me becoming a self-pitying mess.
Every transman I see who is acclaimed in the media for their dedication and bravery look like Brad Pitt’s and Daniel Craig’s love child – they appear the definition of perfection. When I really think about it I realise that no matter how many flattering photo shoots they participate in, they too will probably also have the moments like I do, like we all do. Yet they still wake up every morning and try to inspire people’s acceptance – they give us a positive example to follow.
Whether I want to follow them and chisel my body until there is not an ounce of fat on me, or whether I want to study until my head explodes,so I get to university, a sea full of opportunities. People like that, like Benson, Bertie or Turner – they inspire me because they show what is possible, what we can achieve despite being set back by our difficulties.
I want to be somewhere, be someone, be more than I already am. I want to push myself in every way, physically, mentally, emotionally. I know that’s the only way those moments in the bath will not be so often, it’s not about having a six pack, being the smartest, the bravest. It’s about doing the best you possibility can, striving to meet your potential.
I don’t want to be the best, I just want to be 100% Original Nathan.