No Real Reason

I have no real reason to write at the moment, I just want to.

Besides, Tamara is watching the most boring make-up tutorials/hauls ever and rather succumbing to that confusing madness, I’ve come here. Not that using make-up is bad, I think it’s good people can use it to improve their confidence and things, especially in this community. Just not for me.

I love that I don’t like it, I love that when I plod after my girlfriend in Superdrug or Boots, I feel as if I am going to fall asleep if only I had a bed to flop into. Besides, I’m at her house so often lately that the least I can do is suffer through some Zoella Make-Up Vids (whoever that actually is).

We went shopping in the capital city yesterday (ergo Cardiff), and it was nice to just get up and do something. Although, all day I felt like I was measuring up to every other man out there, I would check how tall they were or their shoe size. Realising that isn’t healthy a while back, I try to stop, it’s just sometimes I can’t help it.

Everything finally got to me yesterday, there I was in Costa trying not to cry because I spilled my Mango Passion all over the coffee shop’s floor. Of course I wasn’t actually crying over my £3.10 drink (even though I probably should due to mango juice costing so much), it just felt like finally everything that had overloaded me for the past few days had come to me like a tsunami comes to shore.

I wish I could find a way to show people how this really is, because I feel so stupid getting upset at what some people see as no reason. Whenever a stranger is maybe a little rude to me I always try to think that maybe that’s because they’ve had a bad day, I try not to take anything too personally. Yet I always seem to take everything personally. For example, there are a few girls in school who are dead naming me (using my old name) despite them being in classes where all my friends and the teacher call me Nathan.

One step at a time, I know I have to think that way so I’m trying to. Hopefully when my name change comes through I will be able to conquer the last name mountain, and to everyone I will be Nathan.

Fingers crossed.


1 Comment

  1. I avoid the concepts of dead names and misgendering as for me they encourage negativity. People will make mistakes, especially those who knew you pre-transition, I don’t wish to accuse them of a “thing”…. People may refer to you incorrectly on purpose but that’s their problem, not yours.


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