Today was a big day, bigger than most.
I guess I could say that today was the first day of my life.
My life, as Nathan, as Me.
That feels good, to say it like that, knowing that although the cards I’ve been dealt are difficult, I will play with those cards. I will win that game, despite the (un)luck of the draw.
What I’ve said there suggests that I deem myself unlucky, which is inaccurate. I consider myself a very lucky guy, and when I really think about my life, I wouldn’t change it. My experiences has made me who I am and perhaps now, I actually like who that is. Are there things I would change? Of course. I believe that the happiest man in the world probably has some things he would like to alter if he could.
Overall, I’m glad there was a Natasha, and I’m glad she’s now Nathan. When I think of the old me I want to thank her for getting me here because I know I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her. I don’t want to separate us as people, I am still the same person and I want to express that. It’s the same as thinking back to your younger self, realising how differently you thought on things and what a completely different person you were back then. I look at pictures of the girl I was and I know that she’s in a better place because she was never happy in her own skin and I know that now.
About a fortnight ago I came out as transgender to all my friends and family via social networking, so I don’t have to hide this blog anymore, they all know how I feel and I received so much support it was phenomenal. It gave me faith in the world again, after losing so much of my belief. What I’ve written on this small corner of the internet has gotten my through one of the most confusing times in my life, and I don’t know any of the people who have read this and I think that’s a pretty beautiful thing. I hope I’ve helped someone, because you have helped me, even though I don’t know anybody’s names or life stories. I have a lot to be thankful for, I know that. I probably have the most patient and understanding girlfriend a guy could wish for and even though my mum and I don’t always get along and aren’t as close as we used to be when I was little, she’s supported me through everything even though I know how hard it must be to lose her daughter. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for anyone involved, I can’t comprehend how difficult it was for myself, let alone anyone else.
Despite tears shed and hard times I honestly do love life. Tamara made me love life like I used to when I could see magic in the world. I spent so long thinking it was an illusion, and despite this world having a few dark corners, I hope to light it up.
Fooling people is not what I’m about, I don’t want people to think that this is an easy ride where everyone is supportive and life is easy. I can’t express how many times I’ve wanted to crawl under my duvet and never come out, how I wanted to quit school and hide. Quitting has never been a hobby of mine, but I honestly considered it, that was my weakest moment. Last year when I had a rough time I took to work, I immersed myself in literature and I paced my bedroom at each line I wrote, wanting to perfect it, maybe if I fixed the words then I could fix me too. I tried the same thing, and I combed through The Great Gatsby unlike anything I have ever read. Every comma, letter – everything was checked. I thought to myself that I want to perfect this. But I realise now, that nothing is perfect, my teacher taught me that. I don’t think she knows it, but she’s more than an English teacher, she taught me about life. I won’t name her because I think she should be an enigma. I can tell by her eyes that she understands, maybe better than anyone else. I’m not psychic but I have a feeling that she lit up those dark corners.
I could have talked today about my referral, about the questions that the doctor asked me and what to say. However, today wasn’t about that, today was much more. I was miserable and pessimistic about being put on a year long waiting list. Life is now. Whether or not I have hormones. Life has no if’s and but’s, it just is, and I think I need to start living and stop waiting.
So if anyone was reading this and hoping that I explained the medical side of being transgender, I’m sorry but that’s not what I’m here to say. I am transgender but transgender is not me.