Who am I?
I guess it is question that at some point, everyone, will ask themselves. It’s a normal thought, trying to find yourself and sometimes being shocked at what you find. I know I was.
The mind is a funny thing. It can help you, hurt you, trick you. Your brain can do pretty much anything, it’s your body that holds you back. In my dreams I might be 6 ft and flying but in reality that is impossible as the body prevents it from happening. If I think of it that way, my body is the rational part of me and my head the irrational part. I’d like to think that my thoughts are hopeful, that my brain is the optimist. Although I will never be able to fly, I guess it wants to give me a taste of what it might be like.
Lately, things have been getting easier. Lately, things have been getting harder. I swap between the two a few times a day. I’m more like me now, more than ever. Wearing the clothes that I’ve always wanted to wear, the hairstyle I’ve been obsessed with since I was a kid. Yet, as soon as I walk through those school gates, prison gates, my old self pops back in to say… Hello, do you remember me? I’m the one you abandoned, ring a bell? And I’m left clinging onto myself, desperately searching for a way to remind myself of who I really am. Here, 99% of people do not see Nathan, they do not even try to see him. They see a girl, a lesbian, a freak. I know my negative self is exaggerating what I presume them to think, but when I sit among the mass it runs through my mind so many times it almost becomes the truth.
Depressive isn’t it? Not being able to be yourself. The funny part is, I know the only thing preventing me from being me, is… me. I could be brave, put some sentimental post on my Instagram, maybe a link to this blog and let my whole world know who I have become. But I can’t ignore the black hole in my stomach which develops when I think about this, it makes me want to crawl inside it and live my life anonymously.
University will provide what I need, it will give me a chance to introduce myself to all these new, wonderful people as Nathan. It will almost me being saying Hello, I’m me. There will be no more quiet whisper of the person I’ve left behind, no silent reminded of the girl that I erased. Here, the people will see me and think boy, student maybe even cool if I’m being terribly positive.
I see myself as a regular guy, just your regular Joe. I’m normal, I’m just like all the other guys. I don’t want to take to media like the others and label myself transgender, not because it is a bad label. If anyone associated me with it, I would be proud, I am proud of it. But yet still quietly ashamed, not of myself or that label, but what people might think of me when I tell them or when they discover it. These people who are brave, they’re my heroes, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do the same.
Obsessive over the normal, even though I know that there is no normal. I am full of contradictions and complexities and that’s what confuses me the most. I don’t want people to see me as the transgender guy, I want them to think nothing when they look at me because I’m just like everyone else and I don’t want to stick out in a crowd.
In school, people label me lesbian. I understand some people are proud to be this, and they should be. However, the people I thought were my friends, my real friends, betrayed me for a laugh using homophobic comments. At every possibility they call me gay or lesbian or they say how does your girlfriend like boys? You’re a girl. And I want to shout at the top of my lungs I am Nathan that’s why, I am a boy. I’m the boy that she loves. Not only were they being anti-gay, which was uncalled for; they were also ignoring the fact that I am sat there, looking like a boy, talking like a boy, wanting to be a boy and ignoring that fact. If that’s what friends are for, then maybe I don’t want any.
For the first time in my life, I really felt bullied. I’ve never taken that word lightly, and even though I’ve had bad experiences I have never claim to have been bullied. But the way they treated me that day, the way they spoke the word lesbian as if it was a game, a joke, a laugh. I sat there and felt like I had been through rounds of a verbal boxing match, and the worst part is, I didn’t put my fists up in defence. I let them sit there and insult me and make me feel small. My friends did that, and I let them. So who’s worse really?
Not only am I embarrassed of myself for not standing up against homophobia, I am also ashamed of letting my girlfriend take the bullet for me. I allow people to call her a lesbian even though she is not one just so I will not be labeled transgender. If we were gay, I wouldn’t care if I were called it, I would be proud of it. The fact they’re calling us something that we’re not and the horrible homophobia that they reek of, that’s the immoral part.
Most people around me are closed off, they won’t open their minds to the possibility of other things. Which is why I can’t tell them my name is Nathan, it’s why I hide anonymously on this blog. It’s upsetting to think I can be honest with all of you, who’s names I don’t know, faces I’ll never see, in comparison with people I thought that I could trust, who I’ve known for years.
Blog posts, they’re usually inspirational. I know this isn’t. I know that there are months of school left and I don’t even know if I can take one more day. Every day I considered quitting. Getting a menial job. Hitting the gym everyday. Still I haven’t received my hormones and still I am not Nathan to the majority of the people in my life.
One day, these things will change. I will read this post a man, and realise that those friends who said those things, well they were never worth the upset anyway.